So for the past few days my Asthma has been flaring up, I’ve been on a steady schedule of ‘roids and inhaler, and as usual it’s been driving me insane. I’ve had Asthma my entire life, and it has provided me with several, well, lessons. Although I don’t proclaim to be by any stretch of the imagination an expert, I hope that it will help you during your times of annoyance with your various ailments to share with you lessons that I’ve learned as a person with Asthma.
1. Most Asthma medication sucks. As a child you get this nasty liquid medication that makes you want to throw up. Then you’ll be provided with this medication that makes your hands shake so badly that you can’t apply your mascara. Then there’s the ‘roids and the inevitable weight gain that follows. And none of them provide a permanent solution to the “middle of the night lungs closing in on you” problem. They all suck. But you need them all, just so you can take one more deep breath.
2. You will never be able to as an adult enjoy certain alcoholic beverages. Remember that nasty liquid medication I was talking about that makes you want to ralph? Well, it tastes just like a liquor that rhymes with the last name of the 2nd lead singer of Van Halen. Oh, and if you have a little German friend who tries to talk you into another version that’s better and apparently more popular where he comes from, don’t do it. The same gag reflex will ensue after consumption.
3. Every time you have a head cold, it will drop to your lungs. You can suck down every drop of orange juice and vitamin C you can find. You can use that netti pot until the cows come home. You can keep yourself drugged up and dried out, but never the less…if you have a head cold, it will drop to your lungs, stupid weak little things that they are.
4. Feeling your chest close in on you apparently is not enough of a deterrent to stop you from trying cigarettes as a teenager. I was lucky enough to have almost all of my Asthma symptoms disappear when puberty hit. So what did I do at church camp one year besides discovering that communion wine can get you really, really drunk? I took up smoking. Brilliant right? And now as an adult, I am paying for it dearly. I’d sure love to go back in time and smack that cigarette right out of my hand15 year old hand.
5. The idea of dying by suffocation is your biggest fear. But for some reason you dream about being able to breath underwater. Oh that’s not you? Maybe it’s just me. I like that dream.
6. You never ever get to go purse-less. OK. I could when the grunge look was in and I had the big baggy jeans that disguised the look of my chunky inhaler. But that time period was short lived and the look from then on was tight, tight, tight jeans. OK ladies. Shove a big chunky inhaler in the front pocket of your tight, tight, tight jeans and look in the mirror. What does it look like? Oh, you know what it looks like. Not to mention what it feels like every time you try to sit down. So, you have to carry a purse, and not one of those cute little one’s that only holds a lipstick and you license. No. You need something a little more substantial. And the nights you decide to rebel, you introduced to a place I like to call Emergency Room Hell. Oh yeah. It’s a fun place to go at 2 in the morning.
7. Home remedies don’t work. Don’t even bother trying the pot + boiling water + towel trick. I mean the water runs out eventually doesn’t it? And drinking caffeine at 2 in the morning…who can sleep after that? I even tried some special vitamins that were supposed to do the trick. Can you say allergic reaction? Don’t bother with the home remedies. Just go get your self some of the good drugs.
Of course that brings us back to What I’ve Learned: The Asthma Edition lesson number 1, “Most Asthma Medications Suck.” But we’ve already talked about that anyway haven’t we?
Don’t you remember?
Throwing up?
Hands Shaking?
Weight Gain?
Oh that reminds me of a lesson I’ve forgotten. It’s little lesson I like to call 8.
8. Asthma sucks. And passing it on to your kid? That is even worse.
